How to manage “difficult stakeholders” at the family celebration

1. the know-it-all uncle or the micro-manager

Who doesn’t know him – the uncle who simply knows everything better. Whether it’s about raising children, the latest technology or cooking, this uncle always has to give his opinion or boast about his knowledge. Statements such as “Well, I would have seasoned the roast quite differently” or “Did you know that 73% of people prefer goose legs?” are the order of the day with him.

The problem: he knows everything better – or at least thinks he does. The know-it-all uncle wants to have a say in every decision. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to take responsibility and prepare Christmas dinner himself, for example.

The strategy:

• Involvement in small things: It can help if you give the know-it-all a task where they can live out their “expertise”, but which ultimately doesn’t play a decisive role. For example: “Could you please fold the napkins? That requires an eye for detail!”
• Disarming facts: With a little humor, quick-wittedness or good preparation, you can easily disarm the know-it-all – especially if he quotes statistics, e.g. with: “Uncle Klaus, 100% of all studies show that this pudding tastes great!”

2. the curious aunt or the stakeholder without limits

The nosy aunt also interferes in everything. However, she tends to do this by asking nosy, critical questions that don’t really concern her, don’t contribute to the topic or are extremely unpleasant. With questions like “So, when are you getting married and when are you having children? You’re not getting any younger, are you?” to “Why don’t you eat dessert? Are you on a diet?” she can drive anyone up the wall and really ruin Christmas for one or two people.

The problem: the nosy aunt has no fear of contact and asks questions that would be described as “scope creep” in project management – she constantly broadens the focus, causing discomfort and difficulties.

The strategy:

• Set boundaries in a friendly manner: Answer charmingly but firmly. “Aunt Gerda, I’m working on a really exciting project at the moment, but I won’t tell you until next year!”
• Redirect: Redirect her curiosity. Often the curious aunt is also curious about her own life. This means she has a lot to tell about her own plans or stories. So feel free to ask what she is planning or ask about interesting past events. If that’s not enough: the inquisitive aunt certainly knows a lot about her neighbors.

3. the critical brother-in-law or the nagging stakeholder

You can’t really please the critical brother-in-law. He finds fault with everything, but really everything. That’s why he likes to comment on Christmas dinner with statements such as “Why isn’t there a vegan alternative here?” or “Well, in my family we do it completely differently.”

The problem: he doesn’t seem to like anything and voices criticism without being constructive. His motto: “It could always be better.”

The strategy:

• Take criticism out of your mouth early: Why not start the Christmas dinner with a humorous introduction, such as: “And before anyone asks: no, the goose isn’t certified organic, but it still tastes great!”
• Offer participation: Ask him in advance for his suggestions. People who take responsibility are less likely to grumble. He may even be happy to bring his famous vegan casserole.

4. the over-committed cousin or the stakeholder with too much energy

The over-committed cousin actually only means well. He is enthusiastic about your “Christmas party” project and really wants to help make it as big a success as possible. However, as he doesn’t necessarily ask beforehand, he can sometimes mess up the whole concept or be a bit of a handful when he says something like: “I’ve brought a new game that we all absolutely have to play!” or “Let’s sing a few more Christmas carols – I’ve printed lyrics for everyone!”

The problem: the over-committed cousin has the energy of a scrum master, but no sense of the team’s pace or of the actual planning. His enthusiasm can quickly become exhausting if you have to keep slowing him down or disappointing him.

The strategy:

• Targeted involvement: In this case too, it helps to give the cousin a task that directs his energy without overtaxing the rest. However, as he has a lot of energy and even more creativity, it can be a task that is a little more strenuous. For example: “Could you please keep the children occupied while we take care of the food?” This way, the cousin can prepare games for the little ones or race them around the garden and you have peace and quiet to do everything else.
• Humorous dampening: If he still overshoots the mark, charmingly put the brakes on the overzealous cousin: “Max, we’ll save your great idea for New Year’s Eve – that’s our big event!”

5. The silent grandpa or the hard-to-reach stakeholder

Almost every family knows him too: the quiet grandpa who is characterized by saying as little as possible. When approached directly, he will break his silence with statements such as “Oh, just do as you think”.

The problem: he sits at the table and hardly says anything. But if you ignore him, you quickly get the feeling that he’s just suffering in silence or that he might feel left out. This makes the whole Christmas Eve a difficult balancing act.

The strategy:

• Direct approach: It is difficult to consciously involve the silent grandpa, because if he comes under pressure, he won’t say anything. Therefore, try to address him gently but directly, e.g: “Uncle Karl, you always have such good ideas – can you think of a good dessert?”
• Delegate small tasks: Ask him to help with something simple so that he feels involved without being overwhelmed. Perhaps he can cut the Christmas goose or something similar.

6. The nagging child or the stakeholder in crisis

The whining child very quickly drives everyone present mad. It expects everything to go its way and it is difficult to contradict it, especially when it throws a tantrum “But I want to open the present right now!” or “Why can’t I have pudding? I WANT PUDDING!” are typical sentences from this little stakeholder.

The problem: the nagging child is the stakeholder who expects immediate results – regardless of the plan or the other participants. Giving in to him may initially mean peace and quiet, but it can throw the entire plan into disarray.

The strategy:

• Quick escalation solution: If the child is whining, you need a quick immediate measure to defuse the current crisis and calm the child down. A small snack or a brief distraction can work wonders. Perhaps the over-engaged cousin has a plan B?
• Set boundaries: Especially if you are not a parent of the whining child, it can be a balancing act to set boundaries for the child. However, if the party is taking place in your home, for example, you can make it clear in a friendly but firm manner that certain rules must be adhered to.
• Offer participation: You can also try letting the child help with setting the table or other simple tasks. This encourages the feeling of being part of the “project” and with some praise for their great work, the child will certainly be happy to lend a hand again at the next party.

7. the dissatisfied grandma or the stakeholder who doesn’t understand the big picture

There is also this stakeholder at most family celebrations: Grandma, who is simply too attached to old traditions that are either unimportant to everyone else or simply can no longer be carried out in this way. Sentences like “But we used to do it very differently!” or “Why aren’t there any home-baked Christmas cookies? That was a tradition!” are often heard from this type of stakeholder.

The problem: Grandma is attached to old traditions and has difficulty accepting new ideas. She sees the modern approach as a threat to the ‘big picture’ – the perfect Christmas Eve she imagined, but which may not be quite so perfect for everyone else.

The strategy:

• Preserve tradition: Incorporate at least one of their beloved traditions. “Grandma, your homemade Christmas cookies really make our party complete, could you please bring some?”
• Gentle change: Introduce new elements gradually and explain why they enrich the party. For example, serve a new alternative to the traditional dessert so that she can try it.
• Show appreciation: Much more important to the dissatisfied grandma than the old traditions is often the recognition that was given in the past for these very traditions. If you praise her efforts, grandma will certainly be satisfied. “Grandma, thanks to you, Christmas is always something special!” can therefore work a small miracle.

Conclusion

Whether in the world of project management or at a family celebration – difficult stakeholders are unavoidable. But with a dose of humor, clear strategies and a touch of composure, you can master even the trickiest Christmas dinners and projects. Remember: in the end, it’s not about everything going perfectly, but about having a good time together and overcoming the challenges with a smile.

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